Is your partner getting defensive? Here are 5 ways to handle it without losing your cool

If you are trying to communicate something important for your relationship and your partner is getting defensive¡ªinterrupting, denying, or deflecting blame¡ªit can feel like you are running into a wall.

Defensiveness is a very natural reaction and will typically obstruct healthy communication while preventing issues from getting resolved. To prevent bubbling conflict, here are five evidence-based options of how to deal with defensiveness and foster better understanding with you and your partner:

Regulate your own emotions

For some time now research in relationship psychology has shown emotional regulation as a vital component of good communication in difficult conversations. If your partner gets defensive, try to not respond with frustration. Slow down, take a breath, and tone your voice to a neutral range. Bringing down the energy of the moment will help calm the situation, all the while you are modeling how to regulate your emotional response.

Use non blaming language

While there are a few ways to combat defensiveness, one of the most effective strategies is to communicate how you feel instead of talking about what your partner did wrong. Rather than making the statement, ¡®You never listen to me,¡¯ try saying, ¡®I feel unheard when I am interrupted.¡¯ The Gottman Institute indicates that using I statements limits the possibility of triggering defensiveness.

Regulate your own emotions (Credit: Freepik)

Understand defensiveness as a protective reaction

Defensiveness is often linked with fear: a fear of being wrong, fear of criticism, or fear of rejection. Recognizing this can help you react with compassion versus anger. If you notice your partner's defensiveness, you could say something like, ¡®I¡¯m not blaming you. I'm really just trying to get us on the same page.¡¯

Take turndown time when appropriate

If there's a lot going on emotionally, it's acceptable to suggest taking a quick break. Try saying, ¡®Let's take five minutes, and we can revisit this once we've both calmed down.¡¯ This avoids knee-jerk responses and allows time for reflection, which is important when trying to engage in productive dialogue.

Take turndown time when appropriate (Credit: Freepik)

Examine your communication style

Sometimes defensiveness is prompted by a critical or confrontational tone, even if unintentional. Look back at how you usually approach sensitive subjects. Are you raising your voice? Are you interrupting? Are you being sarcastic? Small changes to your approach, such as eye contact, tone of voice, and validating their feelings, can encourage openness in your conversation.

If you tackle defensiveness with patience and focused communication, you may be able to cultivate space for deeper connection and better conflict resolutions.